January 4, 2021
An optimistic approach to sex came tome later in life than I would like to admit. I can call it generational, cultural, or anything else I could blame, but it is my past, and I can’t change that. However, I move forward with a more optimistic view that I have a blank canvas to create my own sexual story.
It wasn’t until my first divorce that I realized the reason I didn’t like sex could be because I hadn’t had good sex. It is of no fault of my partners (few that they were), more that I hadn’t allowed myself to enjoy it. I always worried if I was doing it right, was my partner satisfied, why can’t I have an orgasm, the list goes on. I have analyzed, self-assessed, thought about, and dissected it all over and over. I could go on forever about my findings. I have decided to move forward with my revelations and be more optimistic about my future sex life applying the lessons I have learned.
I have a good track record of long term relationships. Mostly, because I hang in there and make all of the issues were my responsibility. After about 10 years, I usually start drifting. My second marriage was to a woman, and I thought perhaps that was the part of sex I was missing. She was wonderful and exciting — but my issues in the sex department remained the same. We divorced for various reasons, internally, for me, sex was one of them. I would never tell her for fear of hurting her. We just stopped having sex.
My next lover was very different. Our D/s relationship started slowly and developed into something wonderful. Mostly, I discovered what I had been missing. I was optimistic that things were finally where I needed them to be. I was tits over ass in love with this man. The bedroom was full of excitement and orgasms, and passion. To say it was amazing would be an understatement. AS much as I loved him, and as good as the sex was, there was something… missing. I didn’t realize it until we were done. That is me. I analyze after the fact because I can’t see things when I am in it. Our relationship was complicated as hell, and while it was amazing in the bedroom, it was unhealthy for me in other ways. Was I just not supposed to have that happily ever after with that one special person? Maybe not!
After the break up (it was a long recovery, and still is), I started dating someone easy. I mean that as a compliment. This guy is laid back and unexcitable. He loves the water, boating, spending time outside. We have a lot in common. But there are a few boxes he doesn’t check off. When I look back at my other relationships, I realize there were always a few boxes not checked, but that is normal. My wife was as close to a soul mate as I would get thus far. I began to wonder if there was a “one” for me. Then I realized I had options. Does it have to be one person? Nope!
Open relationships and polyamorous relationships are new concepts for me. As I research and chat with folks who know how to make it work, it is intriguing. I think it is a good time to investigate this a little further. Why do I have to get everything I want or need from one person. I have had two terrible experiences trying to join a couple. There are usually jealousy issues from the primary (which I understand), and I get kicked to the curb. This has happened twice. I have to admit I am not sure if I was in a long term relationship I could bring someone else in as more than a sex partner for the couple. I get the jealousy. What I don’t get is agreeing to it when you know deep down you don’t want it. That is what happened, and that is just shitty. Those experiences have tarnished me a bit. I am not thinking about that situation in the future. I am thinking of more open separate relationships. I am still working through all of it. However, I am one hundred percent sure I will not ever put myself in that situation again.
My current lover isn’t in to impact play, and I am. He has an excellent reason for not wanting to try it but has said he would love to watch me with someone else. He is interested in threesomes, so there is an open option there. I can say he is the first person I have been with who is open to being open. It shocked me from him, but it also gave me an option to find ways to get what I want and need and still spend time with and have sex with this great person and not feel like I have to lose one to have someone else. Cool right?
I am optimistic about the possibilities in front of me. My friend and I have joined a swingers club, but Covid has that stalled a bit. I realize those close are mostly about hooking up for sex. I’m mostly ok with that, but I know myself. I catch feelings quickly. If I click with someone, I usually go with it. I’ve never been a fuck and run person. Sometimes I wish I was. So I am working on ways to handle that aspect of things. I am not sure I want to date different people to have different sex. I want to date different people because I enjoy being with interesting people that I have things in common. What my current guy isn’t into, even outside the bedroom, I’d like to be able to enjoy with someone. So a lot is floating in my brain right now.
I am optimistic that the newly educated me will move forward with caution but not too much caution that I make the same mistakes I have in the past. Investigating this new possibility has been fun, and I look forward to seeing where this goes.
