About once a month a friend of mine comes over and we have dinner, drink whiskey, he smokes cigars and we talk. We talk a lot. He is my philosophical, deep thinking friend. We go everywhere on every subject and no subject is off limits. I will even entertain talking politics with him, which I won’t do with others. There is a no judgement comfort blanket around us. I cherish these honest moments and thought provoking moments and I cherish his friendship.
The last time we got together we were sitting on the porch about two whiskeys in and we were discussing relationships. He has never been married and I’ve been divorced twice so our perspectives comes from different places. That makes the conversation even more interesting. Honestly, I can’t remember what we were talking about when he said, “Love is saying the hard things.” Well, damn. This very simple statement stopped me in my tracks. I responded with, “yeah, love is saying the hard things.” I realized at that moment that I don’t say the hard things. I avoid saying the hard things. That thought had me wondering about my past relationships.
We hear all the time what love is. Many people have many different ideas on what love is. It is after all a very personal and intimate emotion. Love is a part of most relationships and depending on who, when, and circumstances, love can be different things to different people. It can be intimacy, hot steamy sex, a long hug, a hand hold, or being brought pizza and beer when they know you’ve had a hard day. Love is a lot of things to people and not always the same thing all the time.
All relationships are different. That is no secret. There is no new revelation there. Love has shown itself to me in many different ways at different times. To be honest, most times what I thought was love wasn’t. It felt good but that doesn’t always mean it was love. Love can also be onesided. That would be the hardest kind of love for some people.
Love can be that butterfly feeling you get in your stomach when someone walks in the room. Or, love can be the tears rolling down your face from laughing so hard with someone and in that moment, you fell love. Love can be watching a friend go through something difficult. The list is endless. In all fairness, the list of what love isn’t is just as long and just as unique to each person.
Love is also saying the hard things. Those difficult comments or statements that you know will not be received well. Statements that may be hurtful, self revealing, or eye openning. It is also necessary. When I took that statement in and looked back at all my relationships (there hasn’t been that many) I realized I don’t say the hard things when I am in love. I say the heartwarming, encouraging, building things to make people I love feel better about themselves. In my intimate relationships and my friends and family. I don’t want to hurt, I want to heal.
In my defense, I have always hated confrontation. I was and am always the mediator. Even one one one in my own relationships I always try and see the other perspective. I think that is fair. I am never always right and neither is anyone else. I think that is a good skill that I have. Looking at things from the other sides perspective is a good way to realize where eveyone is and to best work through the problem. The problem is, sometimes the other people aren’t doing that as well. Sometimes, you have to defend your opinion and perspective by saying the hard things.
Speaking up and speaking out doesn’t always have to be harsh. Personally, I am not a fighter. I am not going to start screaming and swearing to make my point. Sometimes that works to grab the attention of others but mostly that is just a quick way to end communication. A conversation about difficult things, hard things, is rarely easy. I admire those that do this well. I usually know what I need to say but find it difficult if I feel that it will lead to hurting someone. Whether it needs to happen or not, I avoid it. I have learned the hard way this usually just prolongs the inevitable.
Looking back at my relationships (past and present) I know I need to do better. I need to gently say the hard things. To my friends and my lovers, I need to be more honest when they ask for my opinion. Not only to build them up and encourage them, but to point out the things they could change or alter to make their life what they want it to be. Not that I always have the right answers but to be honest on all sides of my opinions.
In my intimate relationships I really need to do better. I need to say the hard things so that the relationship moves forward (or doesn’t) in honesty and truth. I decided to put this in action. My current relationship is at a stand still. I am not happy about it. I want to move forward. There are multiple reasons that this isn’t happening and I’ve been silent about how I feel about it. I encourage on all the angles I see where there could be forward movement but nothing seems to happen. I made a decision and said some hard things. I said them with kindness as best as I could. I stated my position and explained why I was saying the things that were hard to hear. Was it received well? Not really.
The truth can hurt. His perspective is justified and I recognize the challenges. In the end, we aren’t in a place to move forward. So I said the hard thing and suggested we place things on hold until he can move forward freely. It hurt me. I think it hurt him. I miss him and I really miss what I think we could have been. The hard things to say ended up being a hard thing to do. In the end, I loved him enough to say the hard thing. More importantly, I loved myself enough to say the hard thing.
